i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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