No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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