can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
