Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
