you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.