Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
