Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
