Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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