I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
