I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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