Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
