He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
