I'm eating all of the evidence.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
