i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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