What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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