Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
