Kareoke will never be a sober sport
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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