That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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