So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
