Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
