I didn't shave. On purpose
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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