Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
