So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize