What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
