upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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