i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
