I just threw up on my dentist
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just googled if crying burns calories
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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