Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
