I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
