i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and she was petting her beer can
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
