There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
