i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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