no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
