tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
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Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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