Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
