My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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