3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
