I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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