my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
