fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
