Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
