I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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