He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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