I wish my penis had an off switch
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
