We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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