i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
