Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
