Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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