I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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