So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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