What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
