I want to walk on stilts...naked
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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