sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
