there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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