I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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