shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
