I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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