remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
