I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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